things i almost couldn’t have done. but now i can.

I’m pretty upset right now. I just watched this video (it’s about keeping your goals to yourself, how talking about your goals makes you less likely to achieve them…) and now feel like psychology has set my entire personality up to fail. I’m also kind of enlightened, though. I mean, I was so close to not escaping a life of failure. It must have been that wish I made on 11:11 1.1.11. But I’m not going to tell you about it.

Here’s a quick list of past failures I can now blame on my chattiness and some solutions to beat the system for future success:

1. Be in a serious relationship. Mostly, I’ve been way too independent and goal-oriented (ironic?) to have time for a relationship, but sometimes I tell you that I want a boyfriend. So, next time I’m sitting at home alone craving that non-random human connection and sense of belonging I assume serious relationships provide (I probably just finished watching a romantic comedy), I’m just going to be like, Oh yeah, I’m totally into being by myself. Lonely is for losers (that is, only losers feel lonely). I probably want to be unattached for the rest of my life. Holding hands is the worst. Next thing I know, I’ll probably be in love. (And he’ll love me back.)

2. Stop procrastinating. Truth: it’s never going to happen. I’m going to keep talking about it, feeling like I’ve already done it, and then starting the cycle over again. I just can’t help myself, and maybe I don’t want to. What can I say? I love the dangerous rush accompanying accomplishing things at the last minute. Am I a rebel, or am I not?

3. Start drinking alcoholic beverages only after being completely and totally beyond what I thought it meant to be hydrated. It grosses me out how much I talk about drinking more water, especially before drinking liquor. Seriously, it’s disgusting. My lips are already sealed around one of those aluminum straws I bought myself as a Christmas gift—because I care about the environment—as we don’t speak. End of story.

4. Anything I’ve ever written on a to-do list before actually completing it (see this post for an example) — because I clearly get the same sense of accomplishment from staring at a goal I’ve written down that I do when I tell you about it. Sadly, I guess this means that I’ll never become a baker and probably won’t ever pick up my dry-cleaning, either. That’s too bad: I really liked those dresses, and, if you’d really like to know, my from-scratch cakes could have been delectable. I’m not upset; this solution is easy: only write to-do lists after I’ve already completed the task. Check, check, check.

5. Get a full-time, paying job. No comment.

Take that, psychology. Cha-ching. I feel like I’ve already won.


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